‘ I have a question . ‘ – was all I could think as I was making my way through busy airport terminals. During last 5 weeks of my training, I was that person who always had questions. And luckily I met teacher who could answer them all or at least guide me towards the path so that I could then find answers myself.
But now, I was left alone – it was finished, yet there were still so many questions that I needed answers to, even more than before. My throat tightened and I could barely swallow as I was trying to keep my tears from falling while I walked to my gate. There was nothing sad happening directly to me that moment, but what I was experiencing and feeling was other people’s pain. Negativity. Unhappiness. Bitterness. Greed. Jealousy. Depression. Anxiety. I could feel it all that moment at the aiport and the worst was that it was everywhere I turned. It was hitting me from all sides and I felt I couldn’t breath nor escape the pain. All I could see were human robots involved in their own mental dialogues as they were rushing to their flights with Starbucks coffee cups in their hands. ‘They don’t even know they exist’ – I thought. I felt I was thrown from a different dimension, bare naked and not understanding the single word from any of human languages anymore.
My heart has opened, purified and expanded so much in last weeks, that now I could feel the world’s pain overwhelming me. I can stand the pain and I can allow my tears, but what bothers me is what can I do about it? How to act, how to open eyes and bring awakening to those people around me that represent majority of our society. How to bring healing to the beings and to our planet that is suffering intensely because of US. I felt so small.
Yes, I have a question. Not one, but many.
Big bright lights of shops and logos of expensive brands blinded me, people shopped compulsively, aggressively walked and pushed me as I was making my way to the flight. People fought over a coffee queue; frowning, yelling, their heads stuck in their electronic devices. I sighed – We think we are connected, but we are disconnected more than ever. Everywhere I turn – everyone overconsuming – taking more and more and more. Food, clothes, cigarettes, drinks – taking, taking until they can’t take anymore, until they can’t breath anymore, until they are so full & numbed that they can’t feel their pain anymore.
But I could feel it. Question remains – what do I do with this pain. What do I do with this knowledge that I have opened myself to? This wisdom that talks through me. I feel I have received this often very heavy torch to carry, but it is the same one that carries the brightest light of yoga and now it is my duty to keep on spreading that light.
How do I ignite that flame? How do I make sparks, so visible, that even those on the darkest paths could see them and be guided by them?
And then I remembered my teacher’s words from the lecture we had the other day :
‘ You have to conceptualize your mystical states.’
Words echoed in my head. I thought about them. I never really conceptualized and truly shared my experiences, that he calls mystical states. I never would think I am worthy of being someone who can even experience such states, but I knew they were special. With time I started calling those revelations and moments of epiphanies I collected – my personal awakening, but even awakening was a term far too grand term for my little self. I always thought such experiences are only for mystics and those enlighten ones, chosen ones, so I never really had the confidence to call them that way nor to share them. Until I met Gregor who told us we are worthy and those experiences are our nature, our birth right. It was only then when I realized that we are all chosen ones, but it is on us if we will listen to the call of our soul and heart. We are not the chosen ones, but rather that we have a choice – to tune in to the divine frequency or to turn away from it.
Another reason why I have never really conceptualized and shared those experiences is because when you start seeing world with different eyes, you realize most of the people don’t. If you start telling them about glimpses of your awakening they will probably think you are crazy or taking some pretty serious medications. I am often surprised my parents could listen to it all so openly, without really opposing, without contradicting, without judging ( Thank you guys!)
Because I couldn’t really share my newly discovered life & and I couldn’t connect with my old self I slowly drifted away from my old life. I could no longer fit in. I could no longer engage in the same activities and conversations – there was nothing left for me there anymore.
At the same time, I haven’t kept my experience entirely private. Being an open person, I feel easy to share my inner world with others – anything that excites me, thrills me and makes me alive – emotions, ideas, life..But there are not too many people with whom I can share those as they can seem too out of this world. They seem that way because they actually are.
However, I did write about those certain, special moments in my previous blogs, but I have never wrote about it in its own entirety as I couldn’t really understand it myself. And sometimes I would even think it was all surreal. But now – I understand. I met a teacher who spoke about them, who described them in words, who described exactly what I have felt, what I have seem, without me even asking, without me ever telling him – he gave answers. He spoke about it so vividly, so clear, so heartfelt as if he was there. I was listening to him in awe, amazed by the use of his words and expressions that described exactly my states. It is real, it has always been real I thought.
I call 2014 a year of awakening. And it is not just because I had simply left my job and sobered up, found a yoga class and started practicing some fancy postures, that I would often post on my Facebook. No.
There had to be a certain far greater and far more powerful force, intelligence that pulled me out of my own destructive ways. Meds didn’t work, psychotherapy didn’t seem to work and my life was pretty much a long string of days of suffering, pain, alcohol and self hate. Avoidance, numbness and escapism – vicious cycle.
Consciously I couldn’t break free from it. I was stuck.
So, one day when my symptoms worsen and panic attacks became a daily thing, I googled meditation in Dubai and found something that seemed appropriate for my corporate life schedule back then, so I could have enough time to leave my work and get there on time, considering the heavy Dubai traffic.
Mind you, I have never ever meditated before – I come from an atheist family and no real spiritual background, apart from what I built on my own when I was younger and drawn to exploring ancient religions and then later Christianity and Islam. Only now when I look back I can see that I was drawn to spirituality from a very early age.
In 2014 there was no real yoga obsession like today on social media, no fancy postures on every page and certainly not so many yoga studios and healing centers in Dubai – and definitely not many meditation groups.
I was clueless. My vision and perception of meditation was limited to the image of someone sitting with their legs crossed, having eyes closed and probably listening to the breath. That’s all. So basically that zero experience has led me to zero expectations, and I think this is where and when magic occurs – in that blank state of the mind. The moment we imply something or we already have certain knowledge of how it should be, we start projecting – having expectations, comparisons, ambition to achieve something, and so that way we put pressure on ourselves. When you are as blank as I was then – pretty much anything can happen.
When I arrived to the center, there was no one there and I was very close to just leave out of my own insecurity and fear of the unknown that started to creep in.
Luckily I stayed and someone has opened the door. The sweet smell of the incense spoke to me and I came in and sat down, among the crystals and mantras hanging from the walls – a foreign world to me that somehow felt familiar. There was only one girl there, who was already familiar with the whole process of meditation. Apart from her- there was only teacher and me.
I sat there and equipped myself with cushions as back then I could not even sit in a cross legged position neither with my back straight for longer than a couple of minutes, so I supported my back with the wall and waited for the instructions as our teacher lit candles and burnt more incense. Instructions were quite long and the meditation was far more complex than I could have imagined, so I tried to really focus to get it all right. It was called The Twelve Blessings and it involved raising of hands and sending out flow of spiritual energy, visualizing it as white light. That energy would stream then from our palms and from our heart center to 12 different groups – Of people, healers, shamans, of celestial objects, of creation, galaxies, until finally we would reach to the absolute, Divine, Creation or however you wish to call your god.
- Blessed are they who work for Peace
- Blessed are the Wise Ones
- Blessed are they who Love
- Blessed are the Planetary Ones
- Blessed are the Thanksgivers
- Blessed are they who Heal
- Blessed is the Mother Earth
- Blessed is the Mighty Sun
- Blessed are the Supreme Lords of Karma
- Blessed is the Great Being known as the Galaxy
- Blessed are the Supreme Lords of Creation
- Blessed is the Absolute
The whole point was that whatever we send out to the universe , we receive back – law of karma pretty much – multiplied. The more you give, the more you receive. After each energy projection from our heart center and palms, there was a prayer dedicated to that each group, while at the same time, we would be receiving back waves and waves of energy from those beings, planets and creations.
I grasped the concept that was explained to me and I could easily create and visualize those balls of light through which I would then send my energy. My mind was nagging, reminding me of the bad situations in my life, reminding me of the pain in my knees that I had from sitting and trying to tell me how useless and how boring this was, but I kept on ignoring that mind and I kept on following the teacher’s voice.
And then it started. All of the sudden I was an 0bserver of sensations that started rising in me. The incredible warmth spread to my chest and the palms, my hands were tingling as if someone had put thousands of needles in them and plugged me to some source of electricity. The warmth then spread on my face as I would shoot out the energy from my heart center out to the Universe. Suddenly I was met with even more energy that would then radiate across my chest and shake my whole being, I had no idea what was happening, but I felt strong presence of something much more powerful than me. I suddenly started to feel dizzy and almost as if my energy and my soul communicated with soul of other beings involved in that specific energy blast and exchange.
It was a feeling of being part of something much much bigger. And I was conscious and aware at the same time while it was happening. Images of our planet and rivers, rain forests and mountains have entered my mind and all I could feel was being one with everything. That moment I felt there is no other. I felt incredible connection to every living being that moment, that left me absolutely fascinated, mesmerized. There was only love – and I realized that love was my core, my nature, my center.
At the very end of the 12th blessing we had to lay down and just soak and absorb the most potent energy that came down on us from the One, The Absolute. As I was laying down, I felt the energy flowing into me, bathing me and healing each part of my body, each cell, each atom with it’s light, presence and grace.. It was a bath of melted gold and the divine light. I had no sense of divine from before nor any image in my head, but I felt as if I was taken in the most healing caress. The light and warmth kept on coming down in me and on me and I didn’t want this feeling to end, I wanted it to say there.
When I came out of this experience, my cheeks were red and my vision was blurry. My shirt was drenched in sweat, especially on my lower back and my chest. It took me some time to gather myself and come out. I had no idea what has just happened, but something shifted. Little did I know that from this moment my life will change forever.
When I came down on the street, I felt as if I was still in another world, observing the intensity of people passing by, of city lights and city rush, yet I remained unaffected by it. I was still absorbed in that moment and in that world where whole world exits.I was stillness while the world was in motion.
I came home, still feeling tipsy and I tried to describe the experience to my parents, but just like now – words are simply not enough to describe such states and they seem so small compared to such experiences. I can’t quite remember who it was, my mum or my dad, who mentioned then the concept of oneness in some of the religions of the world, so I decided to google it and that is how I found my answers and the symptoms of spiritual awakening that kicked in the following weeks and months.
I found out that The Twelve Blessings is a profound cosmic teaching and sacred mystic practice given by the Master Jesus to inspire humanity and to give us all a much greater appreciation of the spiritual nature of the cosmos.
The practice of The Twelve Blessings is a uniquely powerful system of prayer, which gives us all an extraordinary opportunity to take spiritual action and bring about lasting change on Earth.
Fascinated by my experience, I decided to keep on visiting that place once a week and I remember that I used to say that I am going on a date with universe whenever I would go to that meditation. Because that is exactly how it felt.
Each time there was a different intensity and different processes for me that I had to go through and it wasn’t easy. There were days when practice would be so strong and I would think I will faint, but those days were the most powerful as my emotional, spiritual and physical bodies were releasing pain and trauma, so I could open up. What would often follow then was the feeling of vibration and buzzing in my chest region. It was a strong, physical sensation that would often leave me overwhelmed, because I could feel it physically, but I wasn’t scared. That sensation started to lead me to experience love and connection with all beings. The most unusual things started to happen… I felt incredible love to everyone I would encounter. I remember clearly couple of such encounters – one in elevator of my old office building with a cleaner who happened to be in the same elevator with me. I felt intense warmth and love radiating from my heart region to his, the same happened to barista guy in cafe Nero. I would just feel a stream of energy shooting out of my heart. It was the most amazing phase in my whole life. I also felt that connection with higher beings such as with Sun, with Ocean, with the Moon. I could feel endless and unconditional love and it all begun at my heart chakra.
Soon I couldn’t wear black color anymore, my body has just rejected it and I had to throw all black from my wardrobe and instead I was attracted to bright, colorful clothes. Next thing I remember was that I couldn’t listen to most of the music, except from the chants and soft, love songs. The frequency of the music, the lyrics became too much for me.My life was changing day by day, it was accelerating and I was guided and led by my heart chakra and I never wanted this state to end.
Finally, what came out of this awakening was my yoga practice – I was drawn to it, naturally . And I felt the calling immediately – calling of my dharma during my Savasana :
“I am healing not for myself, I am healing, so I can heal others.”
I remember how I rushed home, didn’t even turn the lights on, just kicked my shoes and threw my mat on the floor, excited to call my mother and tell her how I am going to resign my job and become a yoga teacher. Of course she laughed at me, told me to be serious and we ended the conversation by me hanging up the phone.
But there was no single doubt, just like there is no single doubt now – I was awakened by the Divine force to help others awaken and heal, and I was given a tool to do so – and that tool is yoga.
Because of this support from the Universe that I have received from my very own start, I had guts and enough of madness to leave my job, my old life, sell my closet and depart to Rishikesh to study Ashtanga and to come back and teach.
And ever since then I feel I have been guided for a higher purpose. I feel supported because I support the Creation, despite occasional falls and challenges that often result when you follow your heart – such as material wealth, getting ends meet.
But the whole point and answer to my question – what can I do to save this world? -is to start sharing, keep on sharing those tools, experiences – keep on conceptualizing your ‘mystical states’ or whatever states you want to to call them, but let the world know the truth behind all this glossy facade that we call life.
Be daring to explore and to throw yourself into the situations that you never previously thought you would find yourself in – because they are the ones that hold the key.
Be brave enough to question – your existence and your purpose. Be strong enough to stay when you stumble upon answers that you don’t like. Accept that you hate your job, your relationship or your life, if you feel that way – because only then change can come, only then yoga can start.
Patanjali starts Yoga Sutras with verse:
1.1 Atha Yoga anusasanam. = Now then the instruction in yoga.
Now then – when you have become so disappointed in life, in sensory objects, in pleasure, now you are ready for yoga and to remove the deconditioning so mind can be purified.
Live your path, live your truth and then share it with others, like I shared it with you. Only by sharing and lighting paths to each other can we can rise as One in the spiritual awakening of humanity and maybe get the opportunity to save this world.
With Love & Light,